February 1, 2017 /
Julianna Czech
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Cancer, General Blog, Julianna Czech, Packers, Surviving Sundays
Adam & I take in a sunny day at Lambeau Field
The Packers’ season and their fall in the NFC championship game is symbolic of our last year. The season started out hopeful, then took a bad turn about six weeks in at a game we were in attendance for. The team was left with slim odds to make the playoffs by the end of November. The Pack got a butt whooping two nights after Adam died. The Packers went on to “run the table” and got in to the postseason.
Extraordinary determination and play from the entire team. They rallied hard for two playoff games nobody expected them to win. Then came the NFC Title game and they collapsed. Hard.
Adam’s fight against cancer felt like this football season. We were hopeful in the beginning for surgery, then had a gash in our hope when surgery was aborted five weeks in to his diagnosis. Adam mentally felt like a dead man walking with a toddler and pregnant wife by his side. With help from Adam’s Pack, we kept his fighting spirit alive. I didn’t give up HOPE for Adam and our little family. He rallied and put together a winning streak during his 11 rounds of chemo, pushing the cancer back. We made it to his “play-offs” and he had surgery in New York. The hopeful surgery to buy us more earthly time.
But it was like Adam made it to the big game and his body couldn’t drive it in to the end zone. His mind was tough and the fight was there but his body had too many “players” on injured reserve. He had been through so much physically that he needed a break, a break he simply wasn’t awarded. Only God has the answer why.
Too many setbacks from the beginning of the title game. The Falcons were too much for the Packers this postseason. Likewise, too many setbacks for Adam after his surgery. His body never allowed him to get back on chemo, back to his game plan to drive the cancer out of his body. The cancer was too aggressive for Adam’s body after the massive surgery.
Football offers a great distraction in life. Adam and I lived and breathed football. We enjoyed how it let us escape reality every Sunday and be part of something bigger that was out of our control. In the last season, football offered us something to look forward to on Sundays just like every other season.
It will always be a huge part of our household, an important part of our lives. Growing up in central Wisconsin, it is in my blood and I hope it’s in our sons’ blood too. Nobody could ever replace the football bond we had. I hope our boys will share this football bond with me that I shared with their dad.
My point is this. Enjoy life. Even the parts of life that are brutal, try to find a way to enjoy it. A year later and I am first beginning to reflect and process what has happened in my life since December 1, 2015. One thing this year taught me is to find the good in every single day. Sometimes we have to dig deep to find the good, to find a smile or laugh, but it is so important each and every one of us look for the good in life.
Our boys, my boys, will always be the good in my day. Adam’s best gifts ever given to me. He always liked to give me a challenge and Adam didn’t miss a beat with these two little men. My mini-Adam’s through and through and for that, I am beyond blessed to see him everyday in our sons’ brown eyes.
Until next time, be kind to one another. And thanks for the good run Packers. Go Pack Go!
January 20, 2017 /
Julianna Czech
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General Blog, Surviving Sundays
A football team in September will never look the same by the end of their season. Every month, sometimes even every game, there are changes to the team. By the end of the year, the team has been molded into a different unit. Injuries happen, break-out players emerge, a new offensive scheme completely tanks and the head coach is left scratching his head trying to figure out how to fix it. In football, coaches and players are always looking to find their rhythm. Find your rhythm, “RELAX”, “Run the Table” to quote Aaron Rodgers and maybe you’ll find yourself in the postseason.
Lately, I think my life is a lot like this. I am coming to realize, there might not be any normal in life. Maybe, there isn’t normal for any of us. What is normal anyway? Grief isn’t normal, that I know for sure. It is different for everyone at any given time. It changes and looks different at every hour of my day.
Instead of trying to find what normal means in life, what if we learned to live life finding our rhythm? Change is scary but living life really happens when change happens. Living “the dash” between life and death. Anything in life I was ever scared of, brought change and blessings to my life.
I was scared of my husband dying. It petrified me. His death has brought change to my life, change I didn’t and don’t want. It has also brought blessings to my life. Has it been difficult? Yes, extremely. Do I want my old life back? Yes, every minute. Have the blessings I have seen and been given changed my life and my sons’ lives in ways I cannot even begin to describe? Yes, definitely.
One of the few things in life that stays the same is change is constant. Change is scary. It doesn’t allow us to move backwards, only forwards. The only true thing in life that can ease change is faith. Adam, the boys and I were also blessed to have an incredible pack of people around us. This has certainly helped ease the changes our family has gone through. Unfortunately, I know from working with families over my career, that faithful family and friends are not a guarantee in life. God is a guarantee in life though.
One of the first things I did after Adam was diagnosed was call our Pastor. He could barely understand me through my crying. I was worried he wouldn’t remember Adam and I because we were such quiet members of our small church. Faith helped us find a rhythm and continues to help me find a new rhythm without Adam by my side. It helps to ease the hole left in my heart.
Today was the first time I have been to church since the Sunday after Adam passed. I’ll be honest with all of you, praying has been almost non-existent in my day. At dinner I used to always lead the dinner prayer. If it wasn’t for our friend starting it almost every night, it wouldn’t happen until our last bites (or not at all). I am taking my Pastor’s word that God hears me when I am not praying. Adam and I had periods like this when he was alive. We were reassured even when we are not formally praying God hears us. Lately, I have been trying to change that and be more mindful of what I need or want from God. Until then though, I trust He will hear what is inside my heart.
Sometimes when I sit down to write, I don’t know what my fingers will type or what my take away point will be. This post started off with intentions of me venting and complaining about how hard life is as a single, young, widowed mom. Sharing with you how hard it has been trying to find a new rhythm in life. It is taking much longer to find some new routines then I would like. I don’t have patience to wait for life to figure itself out. What I still do have, is my faith and belief in knowing God, Adam and my guardian angels are with me. I’ll find our rhythm over time, until then, I’ll just float along trying to figure my new life out as I go.
I will leave you today with a few quick news and notes of life at the Czech household:
-Reggie is moving and grooving, playing with the dog bowls, trying to eat my plants (can someone tell me if plant leaves are on the edible list for infants?!), and is an overall happy baby who is getting into everything. He LOVES watching his older brother and loves to laugh with mommy. His smile is contagious, no doubt about that!
-Edward is also extremely busy and gave up naps months ago. I am always “on the clock” with this guy. I am so grateful for our friend living with us who helps get some of Edward’s energy and goofiness out at night. Our two nannies also deserve a huge shout out because I look forward to them coming once a week to give me a break.
Edward is moving forward in his grief, trying hard to understand how death works and what cancer is. He is such a smart boy and responds well to books which helps. Edward and I will be starting a grief group series at a hospital next month to help us both understand what he is going through. I hope meeting other children his age who have lost a parent helps him feel less alone. The last few weeks are getting emotionally harder as a parent because he has so many questions and fears. I share many of those same questions and fears myself as an adult.
-And m
e, Julianna, Mommy? I am looking forward to starting counseling again as well. Adam and I had a wonderful counselor at the Masonic Cancer Center and my last session with her was in December, when I met with her and Adam’s care team. I am trying hard to put on my oxygen mask first, so I can be better mommy, as so many have pointed out to me this last week. There is a ton of mom guilt when I take time for myself. I need it, I so badly need it. I fear it is going to take a long time before my body and mind relaxes a little after the last thirteen months. The boys don’t really offer much of a chance to catch my breath, which is a blessing but also makes it very difficult to process what has happened. Since we found out about Adam’s tumor on December 1, 2015, I’ve been on overdrive. Overall, I feel I do well at taking care of myself but every week there is a new rhythm I am trying to find in the house. Edward has gotten into a groove of playing while I exercise so there is at least 30 minutes a day where I am physically taking care of my body the last couple weeks.
The latest challenge was Edward coming down with a cold this week and being worried he would die because he was sick. Emotionally, I was worn down this week helping him try to sort these fears out. In time, I will catch my breath, but right now I still feel like I am running a sprint when this should be a marathon.
On a positive note, last Sunday, Jersey Al helped me get to the Packers playoff game at Lambeau with my Dad and two sisters. It was a great afternoon, an awesome game to see in person with an electric crowd. Adam was on my mind every minute and it was a very bittersweet game for me. I loved every minute of it and I know Adam was with me. I missed hugging him, shouting out a Ric Flair “WHOO!” and passing out high fives with him after awesome plays.
He did give me three distinct signs he was there with me through songs and the Hail Mary pass that was thrown directly into our end zone. When we arrived and parked the truck, the opening song to the sports show coming on was our wedding song by Elvis Presley, “Can’t Help Falling In Love” (an ironic choice I thought for opening a radio sports show). When my Dad and I were walking out of the stadium, “See You Again” by Wiz Khalifa was blaring through the halls of Lambeau. The lyrics to this song brought tears to my eyes, you can hear why here.
-Last but not least, Matilda is back at the house and doing well. We are working on some training with her so she is better at welcoming people into the house. So far, she is not complaining as she loves being home, we love having her home, and she loves all the treats associated with training!
Until next time, be kind to one another. And Go Pack Go
December 31, 2016 /
Julianna Czech
/
General Blog, Julianna Czech, Surviving Sundays
Today is the last day of 2016. It feels a little bittersweet to me, even though I’ve never been sentimental about New Years. Adam and I couldn’t have cared less about where we were when the clock struck midnight, as long as we were together.
Looking back on 2016, the first thing I thought about was all the love it had for us. Yes, there was pain but the pain is secondary to all the love and blessings we had. 2016 was intense, it was fierce, and it is a year which will never be forgotten. Adam will never be forgotten. Our love story will never be forgotten.
It held highs after the diagnoses when the surgeon felt confident he could operate on Adam. Followed quickly by the lows of Adam’s first surgery. They started the surgery, opened him up to clean the cancer out, and quickly closed him up as we learned his cancer was too aggressive and far spread for the surgeons at the U of M.
There was relief when we learned his cancer freight train had been stopped after five rounds of chemo. Hearing those words from Dr. Lou (otherwise known as the “Lou-Man” in our house) brought tears to my big husband’s eyes. I’ll never forget that day. Adam’s first sign of hope in months.
In the month following this appointment, we waited, and waited, and waited anxiously for Reginald to arrive. Anxious and uncomfortable were mutual feelings by Adam and I. During the month of April though, I took the trump card in the house for pain and being uncomfortable as little Reggie gave all 5’2″ of me a run for my money. The first six months of Adam’s diagnosis, our pregnancy gave us a nice distraction. While we worried about what the future would hold for our new baby, our new family of four, the one thing that remained constant is Adam wanted cancer to take a back seat to me, to baby Reggie, and to our little man Edward.
Adam was hard on himself during his diagnosis, never feeling he was doing enough as a father. This broke my heart because he was. He was always the best and gave everything he had, but he never felt this way because chemo dragged him down. Cancer and chemo were often more of a mental fight for him than a physical fight. I will always remember him being a kickass dad, an amazing husband, and pushing through on even the nastiest chemo weeks. I know Edward will remember this too and I will try my damnedest to make sure Reggie knows how brave his daddy was.
Adam never missed a day of work except for his infusion day at the clinic. In his last round of chemo, he had to leave work early one day because he was exhausted and overall felt terrible. He mowed the grass all summer until his surgery, chemo week or not. He did both boys baths, rarely missing a bath night. We tried to plan baths around the terrible chemo days because that was Daddy’s time.
The beginning of June, we learned it was time to revisit surgery again. With a newborn and toddler, I hit the ground running to try and find the cure for my husband from the best surgeons in the country. I researched, I talked to friends in my cancer groups, I pressed the doctors who they would go see if it were them.
In July, Adam was off of chemo so he could explore surgery options. Life felt almost like it was before cancer. But, unfortunately, we had the elephant in the room and we knew we couldn’t avoid Adam being off chemo for too long. We flew out to New York three times in July. We had a lot of fun the first two trips. Yes, fun mixed in with medical appointments in the Big Apple.
Even Adam’s pre-op appointment the day before surgery we found ways to have fun and laugh (enter Snapchat filters!) The last trip we flew out for his big surgery. I divide the last year into two sections-life pre-cancer and life pre-surgery. We left our three month baby and almost three year old home. Not an easy decision, a definite low in the year but at the same time we were filled with HOPE.
After surgery, life had a lot more lows then highs. We found a few in September, going to the Firefighters Hall and Museum. Adam rode on top of an old firetruck with Edward. When he came back, I thought for sure he soiled himself or was going to throw up. His eyes were so big and he told me, “whoa, I made it, that was a bumpy ride!” with a huge proud grin on his face.
Just like our last year, we made it, it was a bumpy ride. All the way up to our anniversary weekend and making it to our final Packers game. We created memories. We loved life and each other with no regrets all the way up until his last breath.
The other night, I was reading our entries from the past year. I could feel the love but I could also feel the pain, especially in the last four months of Adam’s life after his surgery. We had good moments sprinkled in those months. They were every day moments like watching football together. A rare day we ate supper together after his surgery. I remember a few times he even made supper or breakfast for us.
Reading as a family before bedtime became a huge moment because it meant Adam had enough strength left at the end of the day. At the end, it was downstairs on the couch where he spent most of his time and often we read every other page so he could finish the book. Yes, he was that weak. He didn’t want many people to really know how weak he was, but reading a book to the boys took a lot of energy.
I am heartbroken as I think 2017 will not hold a single new memory of Adam. It will be made up of new memories with my growing boys, our faithful family, friends, and the new friends I will make.
While I am sad to see 2016 go, I am excited to see what 2017 has in store for my young family. The new year will have plenty of adventure, there is no doubt in my mind about that.
Until next time and next year, be kind to one another. Happy New Year…And Go Pack Go!
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