The Rejected Shareholders Meeting Speech from Packers GM Ted Thompson
Packers GM Ted Thompson.
A source provided ALLGBP.com the below speech that was rejected by Ted Thompson for Wednesday’s Packers shareholder meeting. Unfortunately, Thompson decided to not use this speech, and just wasted everyone’s time like he’s done at every other shareholder meeting. Hopefully Ted changes his mind and uses a speech like this next year.
“Before I get started, I first want to thank everyone who is here today. Many of you forked over $250 to buy Packers’ stock a few years ago, and for that, the entire organization is truly grateful.
All of us in Packers’ upper management love you people, even though we think you’re insane and make jokes about you behind closed doors. I mean seriously, you guys fork over $250 so you can hang a certificate on your wall and come here every year to listen to me say absolutely nothing about your favorite football team. The last couple of years, I’ve literally stood at this very podium and read off the names on the roster. If you paid me $250 to listen to myself talk, I wouldn’t do it.
But I had an epiphany the other day. I was watching tape of some unknown prospect that you all have never heard of, but will one day get mad at me for drafting, when I realized the Packers owed you more for your $250 than what you’ve been getting at this event every year.
What I am going to give you today is actual insight into some of the decisions that were made about this season’s team. Hopefully you think it’s $250 worth of insight. I happen to think it’s worth $2 million because insight from Ted Thompson — yes, I just referred to myself in the third person — is super rare and worth a lot.
(Pause for fans to whisper among themselves and get over the initial shock of what you’ve said so far)
I saw the other day that Charles Woodson said he’d retire as an Oakland Raider. I know Charles has his own brand of wine and it must be some good s#^t!! I should try some. Without myself and the Green Bay Packers, Woodson would probably be making $40,000 a year as a sideline reporter for Division I-AA college football games on ESPN U. I never sign free agents. But I signed him off the scrap heap. It’s nonsense to think of Charles Woodson as anything but a Green Bay Packer. I know when you get cut it sucks. I really do. But c’mon Charles, have a little perspective.
Then there’s Greg Jennings. He must be planning to catch passes with his mouth this season because it’s been wide open and running 100 miles-per-hour ever since he signed with the Vikings. I draft wide receivers that are just as good as you by accident, Greg. I hope you enjoyed popping off at the mouth in July because it’s probably going to be your hamstring that pops in September.
(Pause to let the crowd gasp and whisper among themselves at this shocking comment)
Ok, enough with the negativity. Let’s talk about the players who are on this team.
I like this team. I really do. I know a lot of you are worried about the safety opposite of Morgan Burnett, the offensive line, inside linebacker and stopping the read option. I’m telling you, we’ll be fine. There’s going to be some bumps along the way, but we’ll be fine.
(Pause for awkward silence)
As this season progresses, you’re going to see a lot of the young guys on this team grow into solid players. It happens almost every year. I get rid of some old guy or injured guy, and one of my draft picks or undrafted rookies that nobody’s heard of steps up and plays well. It’s extremely rewarding to me when that happens. I lock the door in my office, tear off my shirt, and pound my chest while screaming “WHO’S GOT TWO THUMBS AND IS THE BEST GM IN THE NFL?! THIS GUY!!!”
(Pause for nervous laughter and applause)
All of you should try that some time. Instead of getting all pissy because I didn’t sign this free agent or that free agent for some exorbitant salary, take a look at the youngsters on the roster and have a little faith in them. It’s pretty cool when you’re on these guys before the rest of the world and you can say, “See, I told you he was a player.”
Jerron McMillian, Terrell Manning, Davon House, DuJuan Harris, David Bahktiari, Jarrett Boykin — these are all under-the-radar young guys who wouldn’t surprise me one bit if they played well beyond our expectations.
(Pause for applause)
I know a lot you hate Jermichael Finley.
(Pause for 10-minute standing ovation)
I do too. But Good Lord, if he ever stops being an idiot and plays up to his potential, that hate will turn into love pretty quick. There were some rumblings that I was going to cut Jermichael this offseason. I wanted to, but couldn’t. Jermichael’s size, speed and strength still causes other teams to freak out and adjust their entire defense for him. Until teams figure out that Finely isn’t worth pooping their pants over, he has value. And who knows, maybe he’ll grow up a bit and resemble the tight end against the Cardinals in the playoffs from a few years ago.
(Pause to let the audience shrug their shoulders and nod their heads in reluctant agreement)
I’d like to give you some insight into our offensive line, but I’m really just throwing things against the wall and seeing what sticks with those guys. I like drafting college tackles, then making them play guard and center in the NFL. This hasn’t necessarily worked very well, but for some reason I keep doing it. Maybe one day I’ll get better about evaluating offensive line talent, but for now, I’ll just let Aaron Rodgers cover up our shortcomings with that group.
(Don’t pause. If you pause here, it gives the audience time to realize that you just admitted you have no clue what you’re doing when it comes to offensive linemen)
I kind of want to see what this Italian kicker looks like in camp. The reason I didn’t axe Mason Crosby last season was because there were no other kickers out there who would’ve been better. Some people thought I didn’t make a move at kicker because ‘that’s not what the Packers do.’ Nonsense. I’m Ted Effing Thompson. I have no problem cutting somebody.
(Pause for the republicans in the audience to pump their fist and say “YEAH. ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE!! ‘Merica!!!”)
But you can’t just go around cutting people on a whim. I draft these guys. I need to show a little faith in them every now and then. Christ, if I listened to you emotional fans on roster decisions, everyone would be cut by week four. All players deserve an opportunity and a little backing if they screw up.
(Pause for the democrats in the audience to nod their head, take a bit of their granola bars, and praise you for your sensitivity)
Speaking of screw ups, we’ve had some bad ones in the playoffs the last two seasons. It’s not acceptable and it pisses me off. I’m sure you all feel the same. I wish I had an answer for you as to why we’ve gotten our asses kicked in our last two playoff losses. I wish I could point to this roster move, that coaching decision, or an on-field error that could explain it all away, but I can’t.
In today’s NFL, what you want is a chance — to be among the handful of teams come December with a legit shot to win the whole damn thing. The Packers have been one of those teams since 2009 and we will be again in 2013. Hell, we did end up winning the whole damn thing a couple years ago.
I wish I could stand up here and guarantee another title in 2013, but I can’t. I can guarantee, however, that we’ll be one of the handful of teams with a shot come December. A quarterback change, massive roster turnover and injury-plagued seasons hasn’t stopped us from contending over the last four seasons and it won’t stop us this season.
That might not be the inspirational speech and bold declaration you want to hear, but it’s the truth.
Thank you again for coming out today. That’s enough candor from me for, oh, the next 10 years or so. I look forward to our next chat when I will return to my regular method of talking while saying absolutely nothing.”
(Take a bow. Soak in the applause. Exit stage. Wait for applause to build and continue. Return to stage for an encore)
“Ok. Ok. Ok. I’ll give you one more moment of candor: Brett Favre hates me. He didn’t care for me much from the get-go and it got real ugly when he left. But the Packers are making progress toward bringing Brett back into the family. I’m going to stand off to the side while all of that happens because I don’t want to scare him away. Brett Favre means more to the Green Bay Packers than Ted Thompson ever will, and he should be welcomed back with open arms when the time is right….unless he tries to make me trade for Randy Moss again. Then he can just stay away.”
36 Comments On “The Rejected Shareholders Meeting Speech from Packers GM Ted Thompson”
Comments are closed.
So awesome.
Strange and twisted, but so well done. Just like the way Ted Thompson puts together the Packers year after year
Thanks John!
Nice article Adam. Spot on. Anyone who remembers the Tom Braatz era should be happy Ted Thompson and Mike MCarthy never say anything meaningful. I think it is a prerequisite for being hired by the Packer organization.
CTRL+F “Quarless”
Now I can see why this was rejected…
Wags, I have to say I love your unending hymn to all things Quarless.
Keep it up.
You should be ashamed of yourself. Don’t ever call yourself a Packer fan.
Blasphemy, right. Poking fun at the leadership of an organization in a humorous manner? An outrage.
After all, where the hell do you think you are? America?
Relax, Francis. It’s what we do.
I didn’t find it humorous either. In fact I think its kinda disrespectful and tasteless to be honest. I expect much better from this site.
How is this disrespectful? To Packers fans? To Thompson? If anyone is offended by the two (very small, very benign) political jokes I think that says more about your level of sensitivity than anything.
There’s no crying in baseball! Or blogging.
Some people laugh at certain things, others don’t. I wrote this piece, laughed, patted myself on the back, and hit publish. It’s cool if you don’t like it. Thanks for reading it, anyway.
But c’mon…those of you bothered by this post at least chuckled a little at the Jennings wide open mouth line, right?
Disrespectful and tasteless? Wow…
Dude, Don’t ever think you have the right to tell anyone what kind of fan to be.
Please leave the political references out. It ruins everything, from Hollywood to Rock and Roll. I was just saying how this site is the most talented Packer site and puts the newspapers to shame, now you downgrade yourself. Shame.
In all fairness, he did make cracks at both sides.
Kind of how like South Park makes fun of everyone, so there’s no real reason to get offended. Fair and balanced mockery for all!
It is only when I can laugh at myself that I truly have the ability to laugh at others.
Politics ruined rock n’ roll? Someone better tell Bruce Springsteen to go back in time and quit.
Brilliant!!!!!
Excellent!
Adam, I don’t know how you got your hands on that speech, but don’t lose your ‘mole’ in the organization.
We’ll all be looking for more inside intel as the season progresses.
Might I suggest a regular series during the season with the drafts of MM’s post game press-conferences he didn’t use?
Good idea. But I need to pay my mole in order to keep getting the scripts.
Who wants to send money to my PayPal account? For the mole, of course….
🙂
Adam, great job as always. I never miss anything you write. Thoughtful, considerate, realistic, humorous, but always fun to read. Thanks man.
Thanks, man.
Adam: Did you try out this “speech” at the Acme Comedy Co., a comedy club in Minneapolis, before you posted it?
Oh man….I’d get booed off the stage for A) being a bad comedian and B) mentioning the Packers.
The only reason why I asked, Adam, is that, having lived for 2 years in the Twin Cities in the early 1980’s, I know that the “Icicle-Heads” up there have a very strange sense of humor. I would imagine that they’d laugh like crazy at the “speech,” even though most normal people wouldn’t.
People, people… It’s satire, lighten up. We’re talking about Ted Thompson here, not the Pope. Or… *reverent pause* …Vince Lombardi.
Not really very funny. Veiled humor to cover your resentment I think.
Not really very funny? Perhaps.
Covering my resentment? LOL.
Jennings planning to catch passes with his mouth! Hahahaha that is classic!!
As a long-time(47 year )Packer fan and Ted Thompson admirer, I say…
GREAT SPEECH! Keep ’em coming!
AS SHAKESPEAR SAID..LIFE IS BUT A STAGE, WE ENTER, PLAY OUR PART & THEN EXIT.FOOTBALL SORT OF MIRRORS THAT. ROOKIE COUPLE OF YEARS, YOU GET GOOD, BECOME A STAR & THEN FADE TO BE REPLACED BY A YOUNGER PLAYER. IT’S HOW YOU EXIT THAT SORT OF DEFINES YOU.
That was good… very good. I think that would be very close to what a drunk TT sitting around a camp fire would say, especially about the O-line. I think he would have mentioned the new running backs but other than that, you guys covered it all. Lets do this again next year after the share holders meeting!
I thought he would say “I can’t just cut players on a whim…like when I cut Jon Ryan. But, I’ve learned my lesson. Mason was the worst FG % kicker in the NFL last year and has had numerous 2nd chances, but gosh dang it I hate to admit a mistake.”
“That’s why Mason will win the battle, even if Giorgio continues to outperform him. I signed Mason for big $$$, and like AJ, he’s going to finish that contract no matter how much he sucks!” No dead cap money.
After living through the 70’s, 80’s I’m just so happy with where the packers are that i really cant find anything to criticize. From Harlan to Thompson and everyone in between this is how you run a franchise. I dont need TT to be personable or informative,just consistent and diligent; hire and sign great coaches and players and keep us enjoying 10 to 15 wins per year. All that satire is awkward and in my opinion wasted on the successful. There are a lot of franchises that deserve to be laughed at like the Brewers and Bucks etc. TT and Pack just too classy…relatively speaking.
Seriously, down votes and complaints about this? Adam, I laughed my ass off, so hard that I am not even going to abbreviate! I didn’t even mind the political digs, as you were far more fair and balanced than those who use that as their slogan.
I’m with Savage – hoping to see more of this during the season. CMFC.
My favorite part was about wanting to cut Jermichael Finley. The below quote will have me laughing for the rest of the week.
” Lord, if he ever stops being an idiot and plays up to his potential, that hate will turn into love pretty quick. There were some rumblings that I was going to cut Jermichael this offseason. I wanted to, but couldn’t. Jermichael’s size, speed and strength still causes other teams to freak out and adjust their entire defense for him. Until teams figure out that Finely isn’t worth pooping their pants over, he has value”
For those offended by this article…come on bro, life is stressful enough. Please don’t take this fandom stuff so serious. We are all just fans that are happy football is back.
Great article Adam !!!