Signs from Heaven
12. The number of weeks Adam has been in heaven. Now I promise, today is a Feel Good Friday. I am writing with a sense of peace and calmness. Unfortunately for you reading this, my feel good moments are different now as a widow.
Writing is one way I work through my grief. This week, I took a break. I wrote a lot last week, both for myself and to share with you. While it felt good, it also was emotionally draining on me and left me exhausted. Today is the first Friday which really has been good.
My friends who are further along in their widowhood journey tell me some day I’ll wake up and won’t count the weeks anymore that Adam died. The sting of Fridays will linger around but time will soften the blow. I trust these women, they are smart and brave. They keep me going and encourage me to keep living.
Now living, that has an entire new meaning to me. One week, I’ll breeze right through. Other weeks, I feel paralyzed from the physical hole and ache in my heart. The physical hole that was created the Friday night Adam passed away. When he took his last breath, I felt a part of my soul go with him. I know other widows have said the same and know this feeling.
It is an indescribable feeling and an honor he wanted me by him when he died. He trusted me every step of our marriage and every day of his cancer diagnoses. He trusted me the night before he died, to calm his anxiety to fall asleep. He didn’t want to take any drugs that night, he wanted me to talk to him. He fell asleep without anything other then my voice. A true honor and blessing to be with him and provide him that comfort.
Some days, I notice the hole a little more. I am certain if I had a x-ray or scan of my chest, the doctors would see a hole near my heart that they couldn’t explain. They couldn’t explain why my heart is still beating with this hole in it.
I was beginning to wonder how my heart would keep beating these last few weeks. I was really feeling this emptiness, needing to feel his love and faith in me. So the other night, I dug out the journal Adam and I shared after he was diagnosed. I read the cards from the last year and the words of encouragement he wrote to me. While I will never have enough notes from him, the one message over and over again he left me was of his love and faith in me.
It is hard to believe though he has really been gone three months. The last few weeks it feels like he has been gone five years. I have been praying this last week for him to come to me in my dreams. I have never had a problem dreaming about loved ones in heaven, they have always been vivid dreams and I am begging Adam to come to me.
Then this morning, my friend texted me she had a dream about Adam. Wow. That text was sign number one today. “I had a dream of Adam in it last night. We were together and you were telling me that Adam still came to you and you could see and feel him . . then all of a sudden, he was there and I was able to hug him and see him, too. We knew he wasn’t alive, but we were with him and he could interact with us . . .”
As I sat down to write today, sign number two came. My Amazon music station blew me away. Song after song, Adam was speaking to me. Unreal. I had to stop writing and paused to listen to each song and their lyrics.
Mumford and Sons came on first with Where are you now. I stopped to listen. I mean I love that song anyway.
Then, Lost in My Mind by The Head and the Heart came on. I hadn’t heard that song before and wow, the lyrics really spoke to me. This continued for a few more songs.
Then again, for the first time, I heard The Man Who Lives Forever by Lord Huron. Adam could have written this song.
Okay honey, I am listening. You have always been stubborn and never wanted to give me gifts when I expected them. He wasn’t going to come to me in my dreams because that is what I was asking for. Instead he decided to talk to me through music, keeping me on my toes which he always loved to do.
One of his greatest hobbies was finding new music. Now I find myself always looking for new music, and boy, did I find it today! My therapist asked me what I thought these signs meant. I am not entirely sure yet, other then my heart tells me it was his way of saying “I am okay. I am with you. I still love you. Now stop doubting yourself because I am never far from you.”
That wasn’t enough for him today though. He was always telling me I was hiding stuff on him when he couldn’t find it. Like the ketchup, the ketchup was always “hidden” in the refrigerator door. I even instilled a ten second rule in our house years ago, he had to look for ten seconds for an item before he could ask me where it was!
Well today he wanted to make sure I really knew he was here. A few weeks ago I was really focused and upset about remembering the last moments of his life. I was really bummed out and thought I lost my notes I kept while he was in hospice. Well, what do you know friends? Sign number three, I found those notes today. Somehow they were deleted from my journal on my phone but saved in my Google drive . . . every last note I kept on his passing on the spiritual experience I had from being with him.
I heard you loud and clear Adam. Yes, you are here. You are talking to me. You will always be with me and the boys.
So here is my Feel Good Friday note for you. Love big my friends. Have no regrets. Trust me on this. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Until next time, be kind to one another.