5 reasons why the Packers will beat the Chargers (and 1 reason why they might not)

WHY IS SAN DIEGO CHARGERS QUARTERBACK PHILIP RIVERS ALWAYS YELLING? WHENEVER I WATCH A CHARGERS GAME,I WANT TO GIVE RIVERS A BEER AND REMIND HIM THAT HE MAKES MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO THROW AN ODDLY-SHAPED PIECE OF LEATHER TO OTHER HIGHLY PAID HUMAN BEINGS. THERE IS NO NEED TO CONSTANTLY BE YELLING.

TO GIVE READERS OF THIS FINE GAME PREVIEW A BETTER SENSE OF WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN THEY WATCH THE CHARGERS PLAY THE GREEN BAY PACKERS TODAY,I AM GOING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE PIECE IN THE VOICE OF PHILIP RIVERS. BY THE VOICE OF PHILIP RIVERS,I MEAN I AM GOING TO YELL. A LOT. HENCE,THE ALL CAPS.

RIVERS SEEMS LIKE THE DAN MARINO OF OUR GENERATION. A GREAT QB BLESSED WITH EXCELLENT RECEIVING TARGETS WHOSE TERRIBLE DEFENSES,OFFENSIVE LINES OR INJURY LUCK RUIN HIS SUPER BOWL CHANCES EVERY SEASON BEFORE NOVEMBER.

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS,PHILIP RIVERS,BUT AFTER TODAY,YOUR HOPES FOR A SUPER BOWL WILL ONCE AGAIN BE RUINED. YES,YOU WILL ONLY BE 2-4 AFTER LOSING TO THE PACKERS,BUT ODDS ARE YOU’LL BE SO BEAT UP AND DEMORALIZED AFTER YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL LEVEL OFFENSIVE LINE ALLOWS YOU TO GET SACKED 14 TIMES THAT YOU’LL JUST THROW IN THE TOWEL.

YOU’LL CONTINUE YELLING,BUT THE YELLING WILL LOSE ALL MEANING AND PURPOSE.

I HOPE RIVERS CONTINUES PLAYING FOR A LONG TIME. HE’S A HELLUVA QUARTERBACK AND I LIKE WATCHING HIM YELL AT EVERYONE. I WISH MORE AGING QUARTERBACKS SAID TO HELL WITH IT ALL AND JUST YELLED AT ANYONE WHO GOT WITHIN A 5-YARD RADIUS OF THEM BETWEEN PLAYS.

RIVERS’ YELLING ALSO HAS LIKELY OPENED SEVERAL POST-FOOTBALL CAREER OPPORTUNITIES. DEATH METAL BANDS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN YELL FOR HOURS ON END WITHOUT LOSING THEIR VOICE. DAY CARE FACILITIES NEED YELLERS TO GET THROUGH TO THE SCREAMING CHILDREN. THERE ARE ALSO SEVERAL SIDEWALK CORNERS IN AMERICA THAT ARE JUST ASKING FOR A SIDEWALK PREACHER TO SET UP SHOP AND YELL AT PEOPLE AS THEY WALK BY.

ACTUALLY,SIDEWALK PREACHER WOULD BE THE PERFECT POST-FOOTBALL JOB FOR RIVERS. BUT INSTEAD OF YELLING ABOUT JESUS AND HELL AND DAMNATION,RIVERS WOULD YELL AT RANDOM PEOPLE ABOUT BLITZ PICK-UPS AND MISTAKEN PASSING ROUTES.

WOULDN’T IT BE FUN TO BE WALKING TO WORK AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN PHILIP RIVERS JUST STARTS BERATING YOU FOR FAILING TO MAKE THE PROPER READ ON A BLITZ PICK UP? 

OK,ALL THIS YELLING HAS CAUSED THIS PREVIEW TO GO WAY OFF THE RAILS. LET’S CALM THINGS DOWN AND LOOK AT FIVE REASONS WHY THE PACKERS WILL BEAT THE CHARGERS LATER THIS AFTERNOON.

Offensive line
Even casual football fans know that the Chargers offensive line is all banged up and absolutely atrocious. If the Packers bombard Rivers early with unstoppable pressure up the middle,this game will be over in a hurry.

Secondary
Even without Morgan Burnett,the Packers secondary has been one of the toughest against the pass in the NFL. Rivers will try to outsmart Dom Capers and crew pre-snap,but his arm strength isn’t what it used to be and he doesn’t have much for deep threats. If the Packers secondary can sit on the short routes and not let Rivers out-wit them,they should be able to contain San Diego through the air.

Something to prove
Every week,Aaron Rodgers is basically asked over and over again what makes him and the Packers offense so great. After ho-hum performances the last two weeks,some are now questioning just how explosive the Packers’ offense is. Hold on tight,folks. When Rodgers and company feel that people are questioning them,they usually go off for a big game.

Lambeau advantage
You can’t write a “5 reasons why the Packers will win” post without mentioning the obvious: The Packers,with Rodgers and his use of the cadence pre-snap,are really,really hard to beat at home. Yes,that’s stating the obvious at this point,but it needs to be said.

Speed
When’s the last time the Packers defense has played this fast? Even the behemoths up front seem quicker and more explosive early in this season. That speed is going to be too much for the Chargers to handle,in my not so humble opinion.


RIVERS IS GOING TO HAVE A LOT TO YELL ABOUT IF HE’S ABLE TO LEAD THE CHARGERS TO AN UPSET. IF HE PULLS IT OFF,HERE’S HOW IT MIGHT GO DOWN:

Quarterback play
Rivers is not as good as Rodgers,but depending on what you think of Russell Wilson,Rivers is probably the best quarterback the Packers have faced this season. He’s not going to throw check-downs over and over again like Alex Smith or drop an easy pick-six into Quinten Rollins’ hands like Nick Foles. If the Packers are thinking too much about their bye-week vacation plans,Rivers could go off and get a W.

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