Packers Stock Report: God is a Packers fan edition

**An assembled crowd of Green Bay Packers media,board members,front office leadership and former players are gathered for a news conference in the Lambeau Field atrium. Packers CEO Mark Murphy approaches the podium and begins the event.** 

“First of all,I want to thank everyone for coming today. I’ll keep this brief because I know we’re all still a little hung over from celebrating Sunday night’s win over the Seachickens. Man,I never thought I’d see Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy do simultaneous keg stands,but after a big win like that,I guess anything is possible.

I called you all in here today to announce that Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has been given a permanent slot in the “rising” category of the world famous Packers Stock Report at CheeseheadTV.com.”

**The crowd gasps. Murmurs echo throughout the audience and photographer flash bulbs start going off.**

The reasoning is simple: Adam Czech,the mastermind behind the world famous Packers Stock Report at CheeseheadTV.com,no longer wants to waste a “rising” slot on Rodgers since Rodgers turns in an MVP performance on a nearly weekly basis. From now on,it is assumed that Rodgers is a “riser” each and every week. Instead of wasting valuable blogosphere space on yet another paragraph describing Rodgers’ awesomeness,the world famous Packers Stock Report at CheeseheadTV.com will focus on other players who also deserve “rising” status for that particular week.

I will not be taking questions today. Instead,Czech himself will be coming to the podium to reveal this week’s Packers Stock Report live and in-person. Be sure to read the world famous Packers Stock Report every Tuesday during the season at CheeseheadTV.com.

Without further adieu,onto this week’s Packers Stock Report with the best-looking blogger in the Packers blogosphere,Adam Czech:

Rising

Jayronne Elliott
“Thank you for that kind introduction,Mr. Murphy. Just like God was a Packers fan on Sunday night,God is also an avid reader of the world famous Packers Stock Report at CheeseheadTV.com. Let’s get to it:

If Clay Matthews is going to see fewer snaps at outside linebacker,everybody in this room knows the Packers can’t rely on the likes of Nick Perry and Mike Neal to fill the void left by Matthews on the outside. Enter Jayronne Elliott. Good things seem to happen when Elliott is on the field. That was certainly the case on Sunday night. If Elliott continues his ascent,it’s great news for the Packers and scary news of offensive tackles in the NFC North.”

Josh Sitton/Corey Linsley/T.J. Lang
“Pass protection on the edges was shaky at best on Sunday night. But it didn’t matter because nothing was happening up the middle thanks to yet another stellar effort from Sitton/Linsley/Lang. From now on,I think we refer to these three maulers as one person. And I think we put a “the” in front of their name to make it more impactful. The Sitton/Linsley/Lang might be the best interior offensive line combination in football. The Sitton/Linsley/Lang is a three-headed monster that could help propel the Packers to another Super Bowl.”

B.J. Raji
“Raji played like the entire Seahawks defense kicked his dog. There was no stopping Raji from catapulting himself into the Seahawks backfield over and over again and causing chaos. All that was missing was a classic Raji touchdown dance.”

Steady

Mason Crosby
“They don’t come any more steady than Crosby these days. It wasn’t that long ago that many of you in this room wanted Crosby run out of town. Heck,the world famous Packers Stock Report at CheeseheadTV.com might have even put Crosby in the falling category a few times. But Crosby didn’t care. He kept plugging away. And now he’s the top scorer in Packers history. Good on you,Mr. Crosby.”

Falling

David Bakhtiari
“I hope Bakhtiari is healthy. He dealt with some injuries during the exhibition season and hasn’t looked like himself through the first two real games. The Packers face another tough pass rush on Monday night,so now is the time for Bakhtiari to snap out of his rut.”

Lambeau Field medial carts
“Someone needs to take all the fuel out of the medical carts at Lambeau Field and slash the tires. Those things have been on the field and moving crippled Packers from the sideline to the locker room far too often this season. If God is still a Packers fan this week,hopefully he does something about all the injuries.”

Pete Carroll
“So Pete Carroll was all whiny about the referee’s decision to award the football to the Packers after the Elliott interception and ensuing scrum following Elliott’s fumble. WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH!!!!!! Carroll’s team benefits from the most blatantly awful call in NFL history three years ago to steal a win from the Packers,and Mike McCarthy doesn’t whine about it once during his postgame presser. Carroll finally loses to the Packers and he has to get the tissues out about a fumble recovery “call.” Ridiculous. Go away,Pete Carroll.”

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