Time Stands Still

December 26, 2015

I thought the longest time in anyone’s lifetime was the last month of pregnancy. Anxious, uncomfortable, anticipation, and restless nights are some of the initial thoughts that come to my mind. Turns out I was wrong, very wrong. The last three and a half weeks have been the longest, and we still have another full week to go before any treatment and CURE will start for Adam. I can throw all those same emotions into this situation, while adding sadness, anger, confusion, worry, stress……and love. While nothing else feels positive in life right now, at least we have love and have felt so much love from family, friends, and the community around us. So many people have been generous to our family and every thought, prayer, or gift has been greatly appreciated and warmed our hearts. 

Have you ever told someone they are strong? I have. Looking back, I wonder when I said those words if I ever really knew what I was saying. “You are so strong” I would tell someone going through a difficult situation in life. I was right, after all, without truly knowing what it meant. People need strength just to wake up in the morning when you are hit with a Mack truck diagnoses like cancer, losing a baby, child illness, losing a parent, the list goes on.

I can’t speak here for Adam, but I can see and feel his dark emotional hole he is in. For myself, I have told friends my day is broken into 4 parts-morning, afternoon, evening, and sleep. Not one of these parts of the day are the same. I don’t glide through one day and go to bed saying, “huh, today was a good day”. Nope, hasn’t happened yet. I hope it does again some day. On the flip side, if the morning starts off horrible, I do have hope that by the time Ed naps or Adam comes home, it won’t be as bad as it was at 9 am. Friends, this is strength. Adam going to work in the morning. Every day outings I used to consider normal with Ed, now take a LOT of courage and energy for me to leave the house. It feels good when I do, good for our little man too. 

We celebrated and survived Christmas in traditional and non-traditional ways. We went to a beautiful Christmas Eve service at church and enjoyed time with Ed and Adam’s parents. We already celebrated with my family in WI last weekend and we will celebrate as usual next week with Adam’s family. Christmas Day was spent just the three of us (or 4, however you like to think of it). It was one of the few days this entire month we had some quiet time just at home. We also had an adventure with Mr. Edward at an indoor park after nap on Christmas Day….I’ll spare you the details but even Adam said it took his mind off things for a few minutes. 

Monday we have a series of appointments at the U of M regarding our official plan of action to remove the cancer. I will leave those details bland at this point and update everyone after we have fully made our decision on how Adam will start attacking the cancer medically (meaning either surgery or chemo the first week of January). We feel pretty strongly about starting his journey in one direction, but either way, he will start a course of treatment the first week of the new year. We will also update here meal train info for those who have inquired. A friend will be setting that up for us next week, as help with meals will be appreciated.

It feels like time has stopped moving and we need January to get here, fast. Adam went in to the hospital on Dec 1 and to say we are anxious for him to start treatment to stop this damn cancer from growing in him is an understatement. I am also hoping starting treatment and our new “normal” will calm some of our anxieties of the unknown towards treatment & healing. No, cross that, I need to start say CURING his body.

We received several gifts or cards with bible verses or uplifting messages on them. I am going to end by sharing two that we have up in our house, reminding us to put our faith in God. 

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain. But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

“I will not worry. ‘Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer & supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God.’ Philippians 4:6”

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