Love Never Ends

I remember Adam telling me to slow down as we walked out of church. “I want to remember every second.” This is how we treated our time together, enjoying every second.

October 3, 2009 I married my best friend and soul mate.

October 3, 2016 we celebrated our last anniversary.

Or so I thought.

Our seventh wedding anniversary weekend. It was the last weekend Adam felt well. We went on three dates, THREE! Date one, The Mixed Blood Theater to see “BBQ” on Friday. Date two, The Stripclub for Adam’s (last) steak dinner (really a four star restaurant, not an actual strip club!). Date three, we attended church together (for the last time) on Sunday morning, followed by a visit to the Highbridge in St. Paul where he proposed one hot summer day. I’ll never forget this weekend. Adam made sure it was as special as ever.

I thought about October 3, 2017 for months. What would our first wedding anniversary look like without Adam by my side? Was I celebrating seven years forever or would I celebrate our eighth wedding anniversary?

Adam was in my heart and thoughts as he is every other day. As I ate breakfast on our anniversary morning, I watched and listened to our boys run around laughing, playing together, and intermittently crying {more like screaming} as one bumped into the other too hard. Edward and Reginald, a product of our love and future. His legacy. My anchors in life.

In that moment, I felt joyful. I felt thankful for the seven full years of marriage and the love we gave to each other. This day was about memories and our commitment to love each other until death do us part. It should forever be celebrated. 

Renewing our vows on November 16, 2016. The same look of love while we are holding our two little loves.

We renewed our vows on November 16, 2016, two days before he died. I remember clearly when our Pastor took me outside in the hospital hallway before we renewed our love in front of our family. He talked to me about updating the words to reflect our vows living on into eternity. It was so beautiful, I loved the updated version for Adam and I.

On our wedding day, we wrote personal vows to each other. After the advice of our Pastor, we also used
the traditional vows so we could renew them at any wedding ceremony we attended. We vowed to love one another until death do us part. When we renewed our vows, we said “love never ends”. It hasn’t, and it doesn’t.

Some might not understand how you can love someone more every day, even after they are gone from this earth. Hell, I still get mad at Adam. Some, probably many, might not understand how you can love again after you lose a spouse. 

It is an incredible blessing and absolutely possible to love two people at once. I have been a witness to this, watching close friends who are widowed love their late husband while at the same time, honoring their legacy by loving life. Honoring their marriage by reopening their hearts to love again and grow.

A close widowed friend compared it to the love a parent can have for more than one child. When we got pregnant with our youngest, I wasn’t sure I could love another baby as much as my first. But I do!

My heart has expanded and grown in ways I didn’t know was possible. It has been able to grow because of the strong marriage Adam and I had for seven years and in my heart, continues. I will always be committed to him and remember him.

I visited Adam and brought him our two favorite beers for our anniversary. Wherever heaven is babe, cheers to our love!

This year there were no wrapped presents to give each other. No cards with personal messages and our signatures. This year, our gift to each other was our eternal love. Adam’s gift was the confidence he had in me and how he filled my love bucket every day for the entire nine and a half years we were together. The gift of his blessing for me to live and love life. His wish for me to love others after he was gone.

My gift to him was to follow through on my promise that I will be okay. My promise to be the best mom I can be to his sons. My gift was to continue honoring his legacy by writing, sharing memories of him, and finding a way to love again. I celebrated, yes! I celebrated our anniversary! This year my friends were my date and we toasted our anniversary.  

Widowed friends understand all the anniversaries and hard days like no one else. This sweet treat was sent to me by one of my amazing Widowsisters.

When we renewed our vows, a member from our church gave us this gorgeous gift with our wedding Bible verse. It hangs in my hallway, and every day I think to myself, “love never ends.”

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful. It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way. Love does not rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the right. It is not irritable or resentful. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

As I sat and looked through probably 100 cards Adam gave to me over the years for our anniversary, for birthdays, and just because he plain old loved me; I was reminded of our faithfulness and fun we had with one another. It brought many tears to my face but it also brought many bursts of laughter, as I read the cards he wrote me (some even from our dog and her perspective). There was also plenty of proof Mr. Adam Paul Czech used plenty of exclamation points in his life! This card alone, had three! 

“I am the luckiest guy in the world to be married to you. If I could do my life over again, I would’ve married you after our first date so I could’ve enjoyed you as my wife even longer!! Love you! Adam

I visited Adam at his grave site over the weekend and gave him a toast with our two favorite beers. What I say in my heart every day, I will leave here for our friends and family.

I loved you yesterday.

I love you still.

Always have, always will.

No regrets.

 

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