Who Am I?

Who Am I? 

The last month I have been in a deep state of grief.  I fell into this dark hole I didn’t know existed.  Silly me, I thought the worst was past.  Boy, was I wrong.

I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

My person, my other half who helped define me for nine years is gone.

Who Am I?

The person who knew me better then anyone else is dead.

The person who could always calm me down or cheer me up is never coming back.

The person who held my hand while I gave birth to our two beautiful boys won’t see our sons grow up.

The person who held his hand while he was dying is numb. I have changed. In some ways I have changed for the better, and in other ways, for the worse.

Who Am I?

Grief is incredibly exhausting. It makes me forgetful.  I walk around in a giant fog.

My brain is constantly thinking about the past while trying to move forward at the same time. Over three months out from his death and I am merely in survival mode.

Completing tasks around the house is like climbing a mountain.  Sometimes the mountain is a little hill and sometimes it is giant. But that mountain is always there.

Every. Single. Day.

Who am I?

I’ve gone from being an extrovert to introvert. It takes a lot of energy to leave the house. It takes even more energy to spend time with other people. Crowds never made me anxious and now, being with more than a few people at a time overwhelms me.

I feel constant stress and pressure as the solo parentSome days I wake up feeling like I can conquer the world. The next day, it takes all my concentration to take care of my two little boys.

Who Am I?

I have allowed grief to push me over the edge and mutter “This isn’t fair. This is hard.”  Two sentences I didn’t allow into my vocabulary when Adam was living with cancer. Because it could always be worse, right?

I am trying to accept my life is hard.  Once I can fully accept that reality, maybe I will start to appreciate what I am doing in life to move forward.

I have decided to focus on what I accomplish at the end of the day instead of what I didn’t. My accomplishments some days are waking up, getting everyone dressed, fed, and keeping us safe.

Who Am I?

Grieving doesn’t work the way my Type A Personality wants it to. I move forward every day but still look back, missing my best friend, my husband, and my sons’ Daddy. Some days it hits me out of nowhere. “What the hell happened? Is this my life? This is UNFAIR!”

I am irrational one moment and understanding the next because one of the worst events in my life has happened. Most things in life don’t get me excited or upset anymore, yet I long to have those feelings. Long to not be so numb.

Who Am I?

Grieving has made me completely disorganized. I have a hard time returning phone calls, even texts. I returned an email from two months ago last week. I will pick up the mail once or twice a week. I hate opening the mail. Seeing his name on bills is another reminder he is gone. Another reminder to call the energy company and tell someone my person died.

Who Am I?

My grief started long before he died. There was grief before the grief. Compounded losses when he had cancer and losses on top of losing him.

I am constantly reminded of his absence.  The absence of sports being on in the house and hearing wrestling on TV before bed. The loss of watching our favorite shows together. The loss of having my person to share our inside jokes with.

The loss of having my parenting partner there to back me up at dinner time when our toddler is throwing a fit and our baby is throwing food off his tray. The loss of having a second parent to put down on a form. The loss of calling him every day at lunch time to give him the daily report of how the boys are doing.

Who Am I?

The person who knew me best, who would know how to pull me out of this deep dark hole I am in is gone. Gone. I know where he is, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I am working on finding new ways of pulling myself up when I am down. I am starting to see the light above this dark hole and ready to climb my way out.

I will probably stay here a little while longer yet, but it is a relief to know I am feeling something again.

Until then, I will find the good in each day. I will continue to smile. I will continue to laugh.

I will pray for God to guide me through my grief.

Because this is the only way to find who I am now.


8 Comments On “Who Am I?”

  1. Numb. Four letters that protect us when we feel vulnerable and naked to the world. Small town grief, going to the grocery store, heart pounding, upset with the people that recognize you and want to chat. Upset with the people who recognize you and sneak down another aisle so they won’t have to chat. The huggers, the eye contact avoiders. None of it their fault, There’s no pleasing someone in the throes of grief. So we move through each day numb. There is hope and there is light, embrace and acknowledge your new grief, it will, I promise you, it will get better. But not tomorrow. Thinking of you daily. ??

  2. I appreciate your honesty. I’m sorry you are going through this and you are right, it isn’t fair. Praying for you, friend.

  3. I totally understand this on all the levels! I’m so not sure who I am anymore and I’ve started a long road to figure it out

  4. My wife of 41 years died of cancer six years ago. She died 35 days after she was diagnosed. I am still grieving. I will always grieve. The gut wrenching, mind bending emotions at first are mourning. It doesn’t last forever. Eventually, you adjust to a new normal because you have to do so. I went to grief counseling which helped. I studied a lot about the grief process and read of many people’s experiences and that helped. I met three women who lost their spouses about the same time as I lost mine. We have had lunch together every month for over five years and that has helped a great deal because until you have lost your spouse you don’t have the slightest idea how devastating and stressful it is. It guts you and takes from you all manner of confidence, serenity, grace and humor. I hold out this small ray of hope to you. You will heal. You will keep the scars but you will heal. It helps to talk to your spouse. You knew him so well that you know what he would say to you. Let him help you. Be quiet and hear his voice. God bless you and your babies as you grope through your maze. May you find peace together.

  5. You’re gonna make it.

  6. Julie,
    Part of your healing is writing because Adam wrote and you have picked up where he left off. You are doing amazing things each day! You are stronger than you think and auch better mommy than you give yourself credit for. Always listen for Adam’s voice as he would remind you of this as well as how truly beautiful you are. He is so incredibly proud of who you are each day. Hugs and prayers, Lori

  7. Thinking & praying for you each day. You & Adam had a beautiful love for each other. A love that some people never find. It’s so sad that was cut short. Not fair –like you say. Continue going forward slowly but still cherishing your memories & beautiful blessings & 2 beautiful sons. I pray that God & Adam too will guide you with your struggles. Love & prayers always.

  8. Julie, I think of you often and ran across this article and thought of you. Maybe it is something you have already seen, but either way a good reminder. You are in our prayers and remember to keep your faith, God loves you dearly!!


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