Memo: Ted Thompson issues orders for a successful season

CheeseheadTV has obtained a memo issued by Packers general manager Ted Thompson to the entire organization during the bye week. Because we love you,our dear readers,we’re not going to sell this valuable piece of information to one of the fancy pants mainstream media outlets that covers the Packers. No,we’re going to publish it right here. Here we go:

Dear Packers players,coaches,and everyone else:

It’s been kind of a whacky season so far. What was up with scoring all those points in the first half against Detroit,then napping through the second half? And my ears still hurt from having to listen to that gosh darn horn in that dumpy new dome when we lost to Minnesota. Please,don’t let that horn bellow ever again. Ever.

I thought we played decent at times in our final preseason games against Jacksonville. Wait…..that wasn’t a preseason game? The NFL actually lets teams as sorry as Jacksonville play actual regular season games? Huh. Learn something new every day.

Anyway,it’s time to forget about those first three games and focus on the remaining 13 and our march through the playoffs. Here’s what I want to see happen the rest of this season. If ya’ll follow these five simple steps,I believe we’ll celebrate a Super Bowl victory before I head out on my annual February scouting trip to Idaho,Wyoming and the North Pole to find the next great third-string fullback.

  • If a receiver is open,throw it to him. I have fond memories of that magical 2011 regular season when we could just launch balls 50 yards downfield and score a touchdown whenever we felt like it. That was a helluva lotta fun. But 2011 was five years ago. Teams have adjusted to what we like to do on offense,including our tendency to always look for the deep home run. Airing it out can remain a part of our offense — a big part of our offense — but I don’t want to see us ignore open receivers seven yards downfield in favor or a lower-percentage pass 50 yards downfield. I especially don’t want to see this continuing to happen on third down. Let’s move the chains,and see if we can get a better opportunity for the long ball later in the drive.
  • Stop letting receivers rack up 200-yard games. Nobody knew who Stefon Diggs and Marvin Jones were until we allowed them to each have career games. The next defensive back to allow a 200-yard game (I’m looking at you,Damarious Randall) will be punished. The punishment: You’ll have to help Dom Capers make sure every single hair on his trademark combover is perfectly in place before he heads up to the booth to call the game.
  • Nick Perry! Whatever you’ve done to make Nick Perry into a great player,keep doing it.
  • Double-helmet Shields. Remember the old 49ers center Steve Wallace? To better protect his head,he wore two helmets. It’s time Sam Shields did the same. Not only will it help protect Shields from suffering yet another concussion,it’ll also spur a new fashion trend in the NFL. Forget fancy cleats with thematic designs. The double helmet is where it’s at.

  • Quit punting. Look,I think I screwed up by letting Tim Masthay go. He wasn’t the greatest punter of all time but he was probably better that the guy I brought in to replace him (I already forgot his name…Schack? Schummer? Shank?). The only solution to this minor mishap is to make sure the new punter remains on the bench. So,score on every obsession,ok? 

Best of luck the rest of the season. 

Sincerely,

Ted Thompson
aka The Silver Fox

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